The Curse of the Piratical Parody
by Lily Evanstar
Summary: Parody of Pirates of the the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. 'Nuff said.
1. Yo Ho Ho, a Parody's Life for Me

**Disclaimer: No matter how big a fan I am, I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, or any other pirates, for that matter.**

I hope you like parodies. Major Spoiler Alert to those who have been living under rocks for the past 3 years and have not seen Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.**  
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10-year-old Elizabeth Swann: Yo ho ho, a pirate's life for me...ack! I think I'm choking on the foreshadowing!

Mr. Gibbs (does anyone know his first name?): Arr! It's bad luck to be singing about pirates, young lady. Do ye want to bring doom upon us all?

10-year-old Elizabeth: Ack! No, not particularly. Ack!

Cue ominous music. 10-year-old Elizabeth spots an unconscious boy floating on some convenient driftwood.

10-year-old Elizabeth: There's a boy! There's a boy in the water!

Captain James Norrington: Man overboard! Because it doesn't matter whether a man, boy, girl, or woman falls overboard! We always shout "Man overboard!" for historic cultural reasons that I will not attempt to decipher here!

The boy (because I'm sure you don't know who he is) is promptly brought aboard by the efficient teamwork of various crewmembers who are of no importance to the hstory except for the fact that they save a boy's life and this particular boy is _very _important to the story.

Weatherby Swann: Elizabeth, have you ever been taught any medical knowledge whatsoever?

10-year-old Elizabeth: No.

Weatherby Swann: Then I put this half-drowned boy in your care.

10-year-old Elizabeth: 'Kays.

Elizabeth proceeds to stare at said half-drowned boy, rather ineffectually.

10-year-old Elizabeth: Ooo! Shiny jewelry! Me likes.

Elizabeth attempts to remove said jewelry from around said half-drowned boy's neck. Due to the skull engraved on said jewelry, Elizabeth comes to the conclusions that said boy is a pirate. Boy inexplicably wakes up instantly.

10-year-old Elizabeth: Oh, you're awake! I'm Elizabeth Swann.

Half-drowned boy: W-Will Turner.

I'm watching over you, Will. And stealing what is apparently the only item of value you currently possess, because it marks you as a pirate. I'm not actually sure that you'd be hanged for being a pirate, seeing as you're only a boy, but anywho...

Young Will Turner promptly loses consciousness.

Captain Norrington: Elizabeth.

Elizabeth jumps, as all guilty parties must do when addressed by someone who has the power to punish them for a bad deed.

10-year-old Elizabeth: His name's William Turner. Th-that's all I found out.

Captain Norrington: Alright then. Carry on, whilst observing the perfectly frizz-free state of my curly wig.

Captain Norrington walks off in a stately manner (as all law-abiding British ship captains must), leaving 10-year-old Elizabeth to oggle the half-drowned Will Turner, who evidently never misses his medallion of cursed Aztec gold.

10-year-old Elizabeth turns from Will and peers into the fog.

10-year-old Elizabeth: Is that? Could it be! A pirate ship! Eep! I'll shut my eyes and maybe it will go away.

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More on the way, though reviews might speed up the arrival of the next chapter. Hint hint. 


	2. Swords and Straitjackets

**Disclaimer: Alas, I am not the genius to credit with the fabulousness that is Pirates of the Caribbean.**

Enjoy!

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Evidently, nothing worth filming happens for the next 10 years, until...Elizabeth wakes up! And gasps! 

Much Older Elizabeth: Oh! I was dreaming. Where's the medallion! Oh yes, in my extra-secret hidden drawer-within-a-drawer. I feel un inexplicable urge to put it on.

Elizabeth puts on the medallion.

Elizabeth: I'm so pretty! Oh so pretty!

At the most inopportune moment, someone knocks at the bedroom door. What a surprise.

Governor Swann: Elizabeth, are you decent?

Elizabeth promptly hides said medallion in her gown. Gee, wonder if it will come into play later on in the story.

Elizabeth: Yes! Come in!

Governor Swann enters with two maids. He presents his daughter with a new dress, though straitjacket is a more fitting term for it. Evidently he wishes his daughter to look impressive for Commodore Norrington's promotion ceremony, no matter how uncomfortable she might be in a strangulation device...I mean corset. The maids promptly start to strap Elizabeth into the. . .um. . . . dress.

Governor Swann: I'm told it's the latest fashion in London.

Elizabeth: Well, women in London must've learned not to breathe. Ugh!

A servant appears to inform Governor Swann that he has a visitor. Poor servant. Talk about a bit part. Governor Swann exits to see said visitor, leaving his daughter to struggle for breath.

Meanwhile, the mysterious (yeah, right) visitor examines the craftsmanship of a wall-mounted candle-holder in the parlor. It breaks. Oops! Better hide it in this conveniently-placed umbrella stand. Clunk.

Governor Swann: Ah, Mr. Turner. Good to see you again.

Will Turner: Good day, sir. Ignore the clunking noise that you must have just heard. It was...uh, a dog outside...yes, a dog. Anyway, I have your order.

Will opens a case to reveal a beautifully crafted sword. He hands it to Governor Swann.

Governor Swann: Well.

Apparently this flattering remark does not discourage Will from waxing eloquent on the various elements involved in the manufacturing of swords. To summarize: the sword is basically perfect. Will performs a flip-dee-do trick with it (which is rather funny if one watches the DVD blooper reel).

Governor Swann: Very impressive. Do pass my compliments on to your master.

Will: What master? Oh, yes...ahem...a craftsman is always pleased to hear his work is appreciated. Even when no one seems to know that he is a craftsman.

Governor Swann: Excuse me?

Will: What? Oh, that dog outside is making quite a racket, sir.

Governor Swann (suspiciously): Indeed.

Elizabeth enters the parlor, all decked out in her. . .umm. . .dress.

Governor Swann: Oh, Elizabeth, you look absolutely stunning.

Elizabeth: Hmph. Will! It's so good to see you. I had a dream about you last night.

Govenror Swann: Um, Elizabeth...

Will: About me?

Elizabeth: About the day we met? Do you remember? The day I stole your medallion which I happen to be wearing around my neck this minute?

Will: How could I forget, Ms. Swann?

Elizabeth: Will, call me Elizabeth.

Will: Umm...I politely refuse.

Governor Swann: Yes, well, at least someone here has some manners. We must be going, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth (coldly): Good day, Mr. Turner.

Will: Good day. . .

Elizabeth and her father climb into a waiting carriage.

Will: . . .Eli. . Eliz. . Elizab. . oh bugger.

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Hope you liked it. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE PotC, which is why I'm writing a parody of it. If that makes any sense at all. More updates are on the way! Please review. 


	3. Clap 'Im In Irony

**Disclaimer: Alright! Alright! Pirates of the Caribbean is not mine! Are ya happy now!**

Many thanks to every one of my lovely reviewers! Since won't allow me to address you individually, I am forced to be general. So I will generally say...It is so hard to choose between DMC and CotBP, but if I had to choose I'd pick DMC because of the awesome swordfight choreography and Jack/Liz moments (However, this opinion may change after the many repeat viewings that the author is sure to make.). And I will generally add that Mr. Joshamee Gibbs' name has been coincidentally changed to Mr. Joshamee Badger in future appearances. :)

Onto the 3rd installment...Enjoy!

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Captain Jack Sparrow now makes his unforgettable entrance, proving it impossible for anyone in the audience not to love him. Fangirls swoon. 

Harbormaster: Hey-you! It's a shilling to tie up your boat at the dock.

Jack's Boat: Oh, don't mind me.

Harbormaster: And I shall need to know your name.

Jack: What d'ye say to a bribe?

Harbormaster: Seeing as I am a poor harbormaster, I will accept your bribe and make up a name for you. . .uh. . . welcome to Port Royal, Mr. . .uh. . .Smith.

Jack makes his distinctive bow and swaggers (he never just walks) off, but not before stealing the Harbormaster's money pouch.

Meanwhile, at Captain. . .oh, sorry,. . .Commodore Norrington's promotion ceremony, various ceremonial and unnecessary marching occurs, while Elizabeth struggles for breath inside her intensely metaphorical corset.

Back at the ranch, or dock, as it were, Jack attempts to walk past the guards Murtogg and Mullroy to reach a ship. M & M stop him, and a humorous conversation ensues.

Jack: Ever heard of the Black Pearl?

Mullroy: That's an imaginary ship.

Murtogg: No, it's real. I've seen it.

Mullroy: No, you haven't.

Murtogg: Yes, I have.

Mullroy: Haven't.

Murtogg: Have.

Mullroy: Haven't!

Murtogg: Have!

Jack boards the Interceptor.

Murtogg: Hey! You! Get away from there!

Mullroy: What's your business here?

Jack: I will now hopelessly confuse you simply by telling the truth.

Jack tells the truth.

Murtogg: I said no lies.

Mullroy: I think he's telling the truth.

Murtogg: No, he isn't.

Mullroy: Yes, he is.

Murtogg: Isn't.

Mullroy: Is.

Murtogg: Isn't!

Mullroy: Is!

Meanwhile, on the battlements of the Fort. . .

Commodore Norrington (to Elizabeth): May I have a moment?

Elizabeth and Norrington stroll away from the crowd, to the very edge of the battlement, for no apparent reason other than to make it easy for the oxygen-deprived Elizabeth to topple over its edge.

Norrington: Uh, you look lovely, Elizabeth. I, uh, apologize if I seem forward, but I. . .must speak my mind. You see, I am an ambitious man, and ambitious men such as myself who intend to rise through the ranks of an ambitious army require wives to entertain guests at home and to help them make social connections. They usually prefer their wives to be pretty, and of high social standing in and of themselves. And so, since you are the governor's daughter and beautiful to boot, and since the apple cobbler you bake is simply divine, I have decided. . .

Elizabeth, finally losing all ability to fight the intensely metaphorical corset, faints and falls off the battlement's edge.

Norrington: . . .that I really prefer apple cobbler to the peach variety. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I would like to have you as my wife. Your father approves, and since in our current society the only way for you to move up the social ladder, or the cultural ladder, or the historical ladder, or the political ladder, or the. . .Elizabeth? Elizabeth!

Norrington, admittedly gallantly, prepares to dive in after her, but is stopped by a practically-minded soldier, who calls attention to the rather large and pointy rocks in the shallows.

Back on the Interceptor. . .

Jack: . . .and then they made me their chief.

The author defies anyone reading this to make that line any funnier.

SPLASH

Jack, Murtogg, and Mullroy simultaneously turn toward the source of the noise.

Jack: Will you be saving her then?

Evidently neither of the navy guards stationed at the dock, which just happens to be located at the edge of an ocean, know how to swim.

Jack: Pride of the king's navy, you are.

He removes his hat, gun, and other effects and pushes them into the guards' hands.

Jack: Do not lose these.

He then executes one of the most beautiful dives ever performed by man.

A close-up of the medallion still hanging around Elizabeth's neck reminds us of its existence. As she sinks it sends out a massive, powerful wave throughout the ocean. Three words: suspension of disbelief.

Jack rescues Elizabeth, swims back, and lays her down on the dock.

Captain Obvious: She's not breathing!

Jack slits open Elizabeth's corset, causing film analysts everywhere to engage in prolonged discussions about how, in this scene, Captain Jack Sparrow metaphorically and foreshadowingly releases Elizabeth Swann from the strict social rigors imposed on her by society. Elizabeth immediately spits out a large amount of water and begins breathing.

Mullroy: Never would've thought of that.

Jack: Clearly you've never been to Singapore.

At this point Commodore Norrington, Governor Swann, Lieutenant Gillette, and a large group of unnamed soldiers arrive. People talk. Governor Swann wants Jack executed. Elizabeth doesn't. Commodore Norrington unveils the pirate brand on Jack's wrist. Norrington wants Jack executed. Elizabeth doesn't. Jack delivers several more one-liners that immediately become part of pop culture across the globe. Lieutenant Gillette claps Jack in irons. He then, rather unwisely, moves away. Jack throws said irons around Elizabeth's neck, threatening her. He forces Norrington to return his effects, then forces Elizabeth to restore them to their proper places on his person.

Elizabeth: You're despicable.

Jack: Sticks and stones, love. I saved your life, you save mine, we're square. Gentlemen, m'lady, you will always remember this as the day that you all first heard one of my famous catchphrases!

In the future, Jack/Liz shippers (the author included), will analyze the above scene to great extent.

Jack releases Elizabeth and proceeds to execute a number of escape tricks involving irons, swinging, and ropes that are rather difficult to describe on paper. He is pursued by the aforementioned large group of unnamed soldiers.

Cue dramatic escape music.

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So, there it is. I hope you enjoyed it. All the wonderful reviews are great motivation for me, so keep 'em comin'! 


	4. SwashSwashBuckleBuckle

**Disclaimer: Pirates of the Caribbean does not belong to yours truly. Nor does any other movie or TV franchise, for that matter.**

Again, thank you to all my wonderful reviewers! Since I'm not allowed to directly respond to reviews here, I will simply state, because I feel like it, that, at the time of this writing, I have seen CotBP 4 times and DMC once (not counting the times I've relived them both in my own head). If it were up to me, I would have spent an inordinate amount of my birthday money on repeated viewings of DMC by now, but, unfortunately, it is not up to me. I'm hoping to convince my mother to take me to see it again at least once before the DVD release. :) I'm writing this parody with the help of a CotBP script write-up I found online.

And now, on to Chapter the Fourth. . .

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Jack evades the large group of unnamed soldiers long enough to sneak into a certain blacksmith's shop (Hmm. . .I wonder whose.). He spies a drunk, evidently fast asleep.

Jack pokes him. . .No reaction.

Jack: Whoa!

No reaction

Jack: Pi is exactly three!

No reaction.

Jack: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

No reaction.

Alrighty. Time to try and escape from the irony - I mean irons.

Cue upbeat, mocking music.

Jack attempts to smash irons with a hammer. No luck.He takes note of his surroundings: large piece of machinery (which apparently has no purpose other than to set him free from his shackles). Donkey leashed to said large piece of machinery. Blazing hot rods of metal sticking out of furnace. Jack makes a quick calculation.

Hot Metal Rod + Donkey + Large Piece of Machinery Method of Escape

Success! Jack is free, from his shackles at least. A certain blacksmith returns to the shop at this precise moment. Jack hides. . .somewhere off-screen.

Enter Will Turner.

Will: Right where I left you, pathetic drunk. Not where I left you, swordmaking tool. What's this? A hat?

Will reaches for said hat. Jack's hat. Jack is picky about his hat. He quickly reappears onscreen and reclaims said hat.

Will "Captain Obvious" Turner: You're the one they're hunting. The pirate.

Jack: Deja vu.

Will: What?

Jack: Oh, nothing.

Will: I don't like pirates.

Jack: OK, I'll just be going then.

Will: Not so fast. You threatened Ms. Swann.

Jack: Only a little.

Parryslashswishwhoosh

Jack: You're good. But I really must be going now.

Will: No! I haven't performed my super-cool sword-throwing trick yet!

Jack: Perhaps some other time.

Fling-thud. Will's cool sword-throwing trick makes the lone exit door impassable.

Jack: Ah, very nice. But now you have no weapon.

The hot metal rods come into play again. (It is an unwritten rule that if hot metal rods are present in a film, they must be used as weapons before the film is over.)

Cue swashbuckling music.

Swashswashbucklebuckleseesawraftersawesomeness

This swordfight was acclaimed as the greatest in cinematic history. Until the sequel was released, that is.

SwishjumpparryapplecobblerclangCHEAT

Jack uses a convenient sack to shower Will with what IMDb-goers happen to know is powdered chocolate. He then brandishes his pistol.

Will: You cheated.

Jack: Pirate.

BANGBASHBANG

They have company.

Jack: Move.

Will: Hmm. . .no.

Jack: Please move.

Will: No! I am far too noble to let you escape.

Jack: Drat.

The aforementioned drunk slept through the entire swordfight but happens to awaken at this very moment. He clubs Jack over the head with. . .what else?. . .an empty bottle. Jack falls unconscious.

The soldiers finally break in, just late enough to believe that the drunk has done all the work.

Norrington: Take him away. And find me a comb. All this running about has loosened exactly 5 strands of my wig.

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Reviews make me happy! Happy makes me write! Writing makes updates! Reviews make updates!


	5. Canon Cannons

**Disclaimer: Who, me? No, you want Disney. They're the ones behind Pirates. Lucky ducks.**

Many thanks to all! I love to hear that you're laughing. That's what this story is for. ;) Now for my general address: I would love to have a link to the DMC script. I do plan to write a parody of it as well. :) Well-spotted to those who recognized the "swashswashbucklbuckle" as coming from the DVD blooper reel. And to all those currently suffering(?) from PotC-OCD (along with the author), I assure you, you are not alone.

On to Installment the 5th. . .

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In the jail. . . 

Prisoners: Time for us to reference the theme park ride. Here, boy. I've got a nice, juicy bone for ye. Here, boy.

Jack: That won't work.

Prisoners: Hmph.

Meanwhile, in the governor's mansion. . .

Estrella: There you go, Miss. I'll just put this metal box full of red-hot coals in your bed. In real life this would burn you to a crisp, but seeing as we're in a movie, and a fantasy one at that, you'll be fine. You had quite a day.

Elizabeth: Yes, but Commodore Norrington's proposal wasn't completely unexpected. Did you know he loves my apple cobbler?

Estrella: I still say you put too much flour in it. Wasn't it terrifying to be threatened by a pirate, though?

Elizabeth: Actually it was rather exciting and I remember it with fondness.

Estrella: What?

Elizabeth: Oh, I mean yes, it was terrifying.

Estrella: But you and the Commodore would make a smart match, if it's not too bold to say.

Elizabeth: Oh, yes. He's a fine man. He's what any woman except me would dream of having.

Estrella: Will Turner's a fine man, too.

Elizabeth: Shut up.

Estrella: Alrighty.

On top of the fort Commodore Norrington tackles Governor Swann to shield him from cannon fire. The Black Pearl has answered the call of the medallion and is now attacking Port Royale. Moving on. . .

KABOOM!

Jack: I know those guns. It's the Pearl.

Prisoner Who Is Not Important Enough To Have A Name: The Black Pearl? When she attacks, she leaves no survivors.

Jack: No survivors? Then where to the stories come from, I wonder?

The Prisoner Who Is Not Important Enough To Have A Name and his cell mates are stumped.

Back on the fort. . .

Commodore Norrington: Site the muzzle flash! Full strike, fore and aft! Battle lingo in abundance! Governor, barricade yourself in my office. Now!

Pirates storm the governor's mansion. Among them are Pintel and Ragetti. They chase Elizabeth.

Elizabeth empties bed warmer on Ragetti's head.

Ragetti: It's hot! You burned me! Even though I'm cursed and can't feel anything!

More chasing. Elizabeth hides in a closet.

Pintel: Come out, Poppet! The gold calls to us.

He spots the upturned corner of the rug outside the closet Elizabeth is hiding in. This is one of those audience-infuriating moments.

They find her.

Elizabeth: Parlay!

Ragetti: What?

Elizabeth: Parlay! I have to let the audience know how much I've studied the ways of pirates.

Pintel: Fine, we'll take you to the captain, just like the Code says. Even though it's sort of ironic that pirates have a code.

In the midst of the turmoil, Will fights valiantly and even gives us a few more reasons to giggle. Unfortunately, he gets knocked out cold. But not before realizing that Elizabeth is being kidnapped.

Back at the jail. . .

A lucky cannon shot frees the prisoners in the cell adjacent to Jack's.

Prisoner: Nah-nah!

Jack picks up the bone and tries to lure the key-carrying dog over, unsuccessfully. The dog runs off. The audience believes, wrongly, that this is the last we'll see of this particular dog.

Twigg and Koehler storm down the stairs and find Jack. They taunt him.

Jack: Worry about your own fortunes, gentlemen. The deepest circle of Hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers. Also, I am a well-read pirate and you can't even read. Ha.

Koehler grabs for Jack through the bars. The moonlight reveals his skeletal arm.

1st-time Viewers: Oh my gosh! No way!

27th-time Viewers: Shhh!

Jack: So there is a curse. That's interesting.

Koehler: You know nothing of hell.

Twigg and Koehler leave the jail.

Jack: That's very interesting.

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Very interesting, indeed. I hope you all liked it. Let me know. Chapter 6 is on the way. 


	6. Of Pirates and Promises

**Disclaimer: I do not own PotC. Arrr.**

Thanks all around! I love the reviews! Keep 'em comin'!

General Address: If I ever acquire a link to the DMC script, I will definitely pass it along to anyone interested. And, come to think of it, Johnny Depp does sound Scottish when he says that "very interesting" line (lol).

Happy reading!

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And now dear Elizabeth is taken aboard the Black Pearl. 

Elizabeth: Captain Barbossa, I am here to use a lot of big words to convince you to retreat.

Barbossa: Try it without the big words.

Elizabeth: Go away and never come back.

Barbossa: I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means no.

Elizabeth: I'll drop the medallion into the sea, then.

Barbossa: We don't care.

Elizabeth: No?

Medallion: Noooooooo!

Elizabeth almost drops said medallion into the sea. Captain Barbossa and crew protest. Elizabeth's face at this moment is the definition of smug.

Barbossa: Where did you get that trinket?

Elizabeth: I didn't steal it, if that's what you mean.

Audience: YES, YOU DID!

Barbossa: Ye have a name?

Elizabeth: Elizabeth. . .

She just so happens to pick the only name in the world that would cause the pirates to refuse to release her.

Elizabeth: . . .Turner.

Barbossa: Miss Turner. . .?

The pirates are very interested. This further confuses 1st-time viewers.

Barbossa: If ye hand over the gold, we'll leave and never come back.

Elizabeth: 'Kays

She hands over the medallion.

The pirates leave. . .with Elizabeth onboard. Big surprise.

Elizabeth: No fair!

Barbossa: You never mentioned anything about being taken to shore. Plus, you have to be a pirate for the pirates' code to apply.

For all Elizabeth knew about Parlay, Morgan, Bartholomew, and all that, she forgot that one tiny detail.

Barbossa: And anyway the Code is more like a set of guidelines. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, Miss Turner.

Back at Port Royale. . .

Will wakes up in the middle of the street. No one bothered to move the poor guy. He runs to Norrington, who is studying a map along with Murtogg, Mullroy, and Governor Swann. Will throws a hissy fit over the need to rescue Elizabeth, damaging a perfectly good map (with a hatchet) in the process.

Norrington: We're doing the best we can. Nothing.

Murtogg: That Jack Sparrow talked about the Black Pearl.

Mullroy: He _mentioned_ it.

Murtogg: No, he talked about it.

Mullroy. Mentioned.

Murtogg: Talked!

Mullroy: Mentioned!

Will (to Norrington): Ask him, then. Make a deal with him.

Norrington: No, these pirates were not his allies. They left him in his cell.

Will: Well. . .you. . .you _smell funny_!

Reverse deja vu.

Norrington: Hmph. Go away. And take your stupid hatchet back.

In the jail. . .

Jack attempts to unlock his cell door with the bone. This never ceases to be funny.

Will arrives.

Will: You! Sparrow!

Jack: Aye.

The author wonders why Jack didn't remind him that it is _Captain_ Sparrow.

Will: You're familiar with the Black Pearl?

Jack: Maybe.

Will: Where does it make birth?

Jack: Where does it make birth?

Will: Oh, sorry. Where does it make berth?

Jack: Where does it make berth? Have you not heard the stories?

Will: As a matter of fact, no.

Jack: The Isla de Muerta. It is an island that cannot be found _except_ by those who already know where it is.

Will: That doesn't make any sense.

Jack: Yes, it does.

Will: Where is it?

Jack: Why ask me?

Will: Because you're a pirate.

Jack: Good point. Looking to turn pirate yourself, eh?

Will: Never!

Famous last words.

Will: They took Miss Swann.

Jack: Oh, I see. But you're on your own. I don't see any profit in it for me.

Will: I can get you out of here.

Jack: No, you can't.

Will: Yes, I can.

Jack: Can't.

Will: Can!

Jack: How's that?

Will: These are half-pin barrel hinges.

Jack: Translation?

Will: I can lift the door free.

Jack: What's your name?

Will: Will Turner.

Jack: Named for your father?

Will: Yes.

Jack: Uh-huh. Alright then, free me and I'll take you to the Black Pearl and your bonny lass. Agreed?

They shake hands.

Will: Agreed.

Jack: Agreed.

Will: You don't need to say it again. We've already established the agreement.

Jack: Just get me out.

Will uses a conveniently placed bench to lift the door free. The author wonders why in the world lift-able jail cell doors were installed in the first place.

Will: Hurry. Someone will have heard that.

Jack: Not without my effects.

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I hope you liked it. :) 

I have to add a special thanks to my sister here. She helped me parodize (Is that a word?) this chapter (She's scowling at me from across the room right now because I continue to be unable to make Jack's lines any funnier.). Incidentally, she has also written fanfiction for this site. For some excellent Harry Potter and Lemony Snicket fics, look up Ginny Baudelaire.

Oh, and please review!


	7. Avast?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, or any other movie/tv/book franchise I may happen to spoof here. Evidently I don't even own any more amusing disclaimers.**

Thank you all so much for all the wonderful reviews!

General Address: Someone graciously tried to include a link to the DMC script in their review. Sadly, I believe has some kind of blocker to filter out links in reviews, because the link isn't there. Thanks for trying! Someone else graciously volunteered to send me the link. Thank you! I'll look for it next time I check my email (which I don't often get to do, due to reasons that are too mundane to include in this General Address). And I do happen to know who Jacoby is. Look for him in future chapters. ;)

On to Chapter the 7th, loyal readers!

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Will: We're going to steal that ship? 

Jack: First of all, I don't like to call it stealing. Second of all, yes.

Will: What do you like to call it?

Jack: Commandeering.

Will: OK, then. We're going to _commandeer_ that ship?

Jack: We're going to commandeer _that_ ship. One question, boy. How far are you willing to go to save this girl?

Will: I'd die for her.

Jack: Oh, good. No worries, then.

Jack and Will sneak under a small fishing boat and carry it into the water. They drag the upside-down boat underwater, trapping a pocket of air beneath it, allowing themselves to breathe.

Will: You know, in real life this would never work. The buoyancy of this air pocket would far outweigh the force we are exerting in pulling it down, and said boat would simply drag us back to the surface.

Jack: Do you want to save Elizabeth or not?

Will: Yes.

Jack: Then just keep walking.

They board the Dauntless.

Jack: Everyone stay calm! We are taking over the ship!

Will: Aye! Avast!

Jack: Avast?

Will: Isn't that what pirates say?

Jack: In another dimension, maybe.

Gillette: This ship cannot be crewed by two men. You'd never make it out of the bay. Also, I am a snotty snob.

Jack threatens Gillette with his pistol.

Jack: Son. . .I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Savvy?

Audience: Woot!

Gillette and his men disembark into a small boat. If commandeering a ship is that easy. . .

Gillette alerts Norrington to the crisis. Norrington makes chase, onboard the appropriately-named Interceptor. They catch up and board the Dauntless, whilst Jack and Will board the Interceptor. Norrington notices the trick. His men. . .well. . .one of his men tries to reboard the Interceptor, but his aim is way off. Poor guy.

Jack: Thank you, Commodore, for getting us ready to make way! We'd have a hard time of it by ourselves!

Norrington (to his men): Get them in range of the guns with a funny name.

Groves: We open fire on our own ship, sir?

Norrington: I'd rather see her at the bottom of the ocean than in the hands of a pirate.

Does that go for Elizabeth, too, Norrington?

Sailor: Commodore, he's disabled the rudder chain, sir!

Groves: That's got to be the best pirate I've ever seen.

Norrington: So it would seem. It would also seem that my hair has been mussed _again_ by all this running about. Fetch me a comb!

Meanwhile, onboard the Interceptor. . .

Will "Not a Simpleton" Turner: You knew my father.

Jack: I knew 'im. Probably one of the few who knew him as William Turner. Everyone else just called him Bootstrap or Bootstrap Bill.

Will: Bootstrap?

Jack: Do I stutter? He was a good man. Good pirate. I swear you look just like him.

People in the audience who have seen Dead Man's Chest: No, he doesn't!

Will whines about how his father wasn't a pirate. Jack reiterates that he was. Will draws his sword on Jack, because winning a swordfight makes you right. Jack swings a sail around so the yard catches Will, and swings him out over the ocean. Jack lectures him on philosophy.

Jack: . . .But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that someday.

Foreshadowing, Foreshadowing, Foreshadowing.

Jack swings the sail back. Will drops back onboard.

Jack: Can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not?

He offers him his sword. Will takes it.

Will: Turtle?

Jack: What?

Will: Well, Tortuga means turtle in Spanish.

Jack: Yes, but Tortuga is the proper name.

Will: Fine. Tortuga?

Jack: Tortuga.

* * *

I hope you liked it! 

Note: I don't really think of Will as whiny, but it sure is fun to parody him as whiny. :)

More to come!


	8. Lehverage

**Disclaimer: I disclaim Pirates of the Caribbean and all other movies/tv shows/books I may spoof here. Moving on. . .**

Muchas gracias, mi amigos y amigas!

General Address: I'm very happy that my parody is making you all happy. :) It's so fun to write, especially the references to DMC. I look forward to writing my full DMC parody. And I will try to make the chapters longer, starting now.

Happy reading!

* * *

Jack and Will arrive at Tortuga. 

Jack: So, what do you think of the sweet, proliferous bouquet that is Tortuga?

Will: Ick.

Jack: Get used to it. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to start the running SlapJack gag. Scarlett!

Scarlett and Giselle slap Jack in the face. Disney can't resist running gags.

Jack and Will find Mr. Joshamee Badger lying in a pig sty. Will throws a bucket of water on him.

Mr. Badger: Curse ya for breathing, you slack-jawed idiot!

He reminds me of myself in the morning.

Mr. Badger: Jack! You should know better than to wake a man when he's sleeping. 'S bad luck.

So it's okay to wake a man when he's not sleeping?

Jack: Ah, fortunately I know how to counter it: the man who did the waking hopelessly confuses the man who did the sleeping by explaining his explanation very quickly, rapidly, and in a fast manner.

Mr. Badger: What?

Jack: I'll buy you a drink.

Mr. Badger: Ah, that'll about do it.

Will throws another bucket of water on him.

Mr. Badger: Blast! I'm already awake!

Will: That was for the smell.

Mr. Badger: Point taken.

The trio enter a tavern.

Jack (to Will): Don't eavesdrop on our conversation.

Will: OK. (Mental Note: Eavesdrop on conversation.)

Jack sits at a table with Mr. Badger. Will stands away.

Mr. Badger: What are ye up to, Jack?

Jack: I'm going after the Black Pearl.

Mr. Badger: You're a fool.

Jack: No I'm not.

Mr. Badger: Captain Barbossa doesn't suffer fools.

Jack: Are you calling me out?

Mr. Badger: What?

Jack: Nothing. It's a good thing I'm not a fool, then, eh?

Mr. Badger: Prove me wrong.

Jack: One word: leverage.

Will: Something tells me I should eavesdrop now.

He drops some eaves..

Mr. Badger: It's not lee-verage, Jack. It's leh-verage.

Jack: Whatever. Look over there.

Mr. Badger: Where?

Jack: Over _there_.

Mr. Badger. Over their what?

Jack: Not _their_. _There_.

Mr. Badger: Oh, the kid?

Jack: That is the child of Bootstrap Bill Turner. His _only_ child. Savvy?

Mr. Badger: Leverage says you. I think I feel a change in the wind, says I.

Jack: Really? I don't. It was blowing north-north-west when we got here. And how can you feel the wind inside anyway?

Mr. Badger: Nevermind. I'll find us a crew.

They toast.

Meanwhile, on the Black Pearl itself. . .

Elizabeth dines with Captain Barbossa, while wearing a dress he supplied for her. Wonder where the dress came from. . .

Elizabeth eats politely.

Barbossa: You don't need to impress anyone.

Elizabeth eats like a pig, until an idea occurs to her. You'd think that with all she's read about pirates, said idea would have occurred to her earlier.

Elizabeth: It's poisoned.

Barbossa: No, it isn't.

Elizabeth: Then let me go home. I think I left the bathwater running. . .

Barbossa: You don't know what this is, do ye?

Elizabeth: It's a pirate medallion.

Barbossa: Well, duh. But this isn't just any gold. This is Aztec gold. One of 882 identical pieces blah blah blah cursed blah blah blah heathen gods that don't exist blah blah blah.

Elizabeth: I hardly believe in ghost stories anymore, Captain Barbossa.

Barbossa: Aye. Neither did I, until blah blah blah found the gold blah blah blah frittered it away blah blah blah drink would not satisfy blah blab blah food turned to ash blah blah blah except for apple cobbler blah blah blah gold restored blah blah blah blood repaid blah blah blah curse must be lifted blah blah blah this is the final piece.

Elizabeth: You know, that would have been a lot easier to say without all the blah-blah-blahs.

Barbossa: Yes, but "blah" is so fun to say, don't ye think? Blah blah blah. . .

Elizabeth: Alright, alright. So, the blood to be repaid. . .?

Barbossa: Finally, you've caught on. Apple?

Elizabeth tries to escape, but is thwarted in the attempt. So, instead, she stabs Barbossa with a butter knife. He simply pulls it out of his chest, blood dripping off of it. The author wonders why the butter knife draws blood from Barbossa but, later on, a gun shot doesn't draw blood from Pintel. And how can undead pirates bleed anyway?

Elizabeth scurries out of the cabin, to find. . .you guessed it: the whole crew is undead, and the moonlight shows them to be rotting skeletons. Creepy.

Cue scary, catchy music.

Elizabeth is then sent running, swinging, and bouncing around the ship as an unwilling member of The Great Undead Pirate Acrobatic Routine (Coming to a Town Near You). For the Grand Finale, Barbossa freaks her out by "drinking" some wine, which simply spills through his skeletal ribs. Extra creepy.

Elizabeth flees into the cabin, finally alone.

The Black Pearl's crew has a rousing good laugh.

Back at Tortuga. . .

Mr. Badger has rounded up a motley crew.

Will "Mr. Sarcasm" Turner: So this is your able-bodied crew?

Jack (to Mr. Cotton): You, sailor!

Mr. Badger: Wool, no. . .Cotton, sir.

Jack: Mr. Cotton … do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay tru. . .ugh, do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of dane. . .ahem, do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?

Mr. Cotton: . . .

Jack: Mr. Cotton! Answer, man!

Mr. Badger: He's a mute, sir. Poor devil had his tongue cut out, so he trained the parrot to talk for him. No one's yet figured how.

The first time the author watched this scene, she very nearly fell off the couch laughing.

Jack: Mr. Cotton's parrot. . .same question.

Parrot: Wind in the sails! Wind in the sails!

Mr. Badger: Mostly, we figure that means "yes."

Jack: O'course it does.

Little did they know that the parrot was actually trying to send them a coded message, possibly containing the title of Pirates 3. Scholars disagree on the matter.

Anamaria: And what's the benefit for us?

Jack: Anamaria.

Guess what? Anamaria slaps Jack.

Will "Mr. Sarcasm" Turner: I suppose you didn't deserve that one either.

Jack: No, that one I deserved.

Anamaria: You stole my boat!

Jack : Actually -

Slappity-slap.

Jack: _-Borrowed_. Borrowed without permission. But with every intention of bringing it back to you.

Anamaria: But you didn't!

Jack : Good point. But you'll get another one.

Anamaria: I _will_.

Will "Mr. Helpful" Turner: A better one.

Jack : A better one!

Will: That one.

"That" one being the Interceptor, lying at anchor.

Jack : What one? That one!. . .Aye, that one. What say you?

Crew: Aye!

Cotton's Parrot: Anchors aweigh.

Joshamee "Mr. Superstitious" Badger : No, no, no, no, no, it's frightful bad luck to bring a woman aboard, sir.

Jack : It'd be far worse not to have her.

He looks up.

Jack: Is that a plane?

Mr. Badger and Will look up too.

Mr. Badger: . . .

Will: . . .

* * *

I hope you enjoyed it! Extra points to anyone who recognizes the deleted scenes and blooper references. :)  



	9. Neither Rhyme Nor Reason

**Disclaimer: Pirates of the Caribbean no es mio. Savvy?**

Many, many thanks! All of your reviews make me very happy! I'm so glad you're enjoying my parody. :)

General Address:Congrats to all who earned extra points.  
I call Gibbs Mr. Badger because someone mentioned it as a nickname in a review and I thought it was really funny. I'm glad you agree.  
Feel free to use the "dropping eaves" line. I stole. . .no. . .commandeered it from LotR. ;)  
I will never me able to watch the "Barbossa gets stabbed" scene again without thinking of jam. :P  
I assure you, Gillette will be duly punished when his time comes. Cue ominous music.  
As a matter of fact, I am a member of KTTC. Well-spotted. :) My username there is the same as mine here.

And now, without further ado, Installment #9. . .

* * *

The Interceptor and her ragtag crew are caught in a violent storm on open sea. 

Will "Mr. Logic" Turner: How can we sail to an island that nobody can find with a compass that doesn't work?

Mr. Badger: Aye, the compass doesn't point north, but we're not trying to find north, are we?

Audience members who have not seen DMC: Oh, so the compass always points to the Isla de Muerta. Cool.

Audience members who have seen DMC: (snicker)

Mr. Badger: We should drop canvas, sir.

Jack: Mr. Gibbs, this is no time to take up painting.

Mr. Badger: The sails, sir.

Jack: Oh. . .she can hold a bit longer.

Mr. Badger: What's in your head that's put you in such a fine mood, Captain?

Jack: Nothing is in my head, Mr. Gibbs. We're just catching up.

Captain Barbossa and crew, plus Elizabeth, have since arrived at the Isla de Muerta.

The Black Pearl sails through a ship graveyard. It breaks the mast of a sunken ship that lies directly beneath it. Cinematographers in the audience squeal with glee.

Will (to Mr. Badger): How is it that Jack came by that compass?

Mr. Badger: I don't know. But I do know some interesting and important backstory.

Will: Do tell.

Mr. Badger: Jack was once captain of the Black Pearl.

Will: . . .I don't get it.

Mr. Badger: It's no joke. Really.

Will: He didn't tell me that. (pouts)

Mr. Badger: Well, he plays things closer to the vest now. And a hard-learned lesson it was. See yadda yadda yadda mutiny yadda yadda yadda Jack marooned yadda yadda yadda left to die yadda yadda yadda mad with the heat.

Will: Ah, so that's the reason for all the… acts like Jack

XD

Mr. Badger: Reason's got nothing to do with it. If reason held any sway in this story, do you think we'd be on our way to fight undead pirates?

Will: Um. . .no.

Mr. Badger: Anyway, when a man is marooned. . .

Will: Hey!

Mr. Badger: What is it this time?

Will: I know reason's got nothing to do with it, but how about rhyme?

Mr. Badger: . . .

Will: You know, rhyme. "We had a sublime time rhyming with lime." What do you think?

Mr. Badger: I think you should be quiet and listen.

Will: (sulks)

Mr. Badger: As I was saying, when a man is marooned yadda yadda yadda pistol with a single shot yadda yadda yadda starvin' belly and thirst yadda yadda yadda pistol look real friendly yadda yadda yadda Jack escaped yadda yadda yadda still has one shot yadda yadda yadda only for his mutinous first mate.

Will "Captain Obvious" Turner: Barbossa

Mr. Badger: Duh.

Will: How did Jack get off the island?

Mr. Badger: Well, I'll tell ye. He waded out into the shallows and there he waited three days and three nights till all manner of sea creatures came and acclimated to his presence-

Will: Wait. Simply standing in shallow water doesn't attracted sea creatures to a man. He'd need some kind of bait-

Mr. Badger: William?

Will: Yes?

Mr. Badger: Do you want to hear the story or not?

Will: Yes.

Mr. Badger: Alright, then. As I was saying, all manner of sea creatures came and acclimated to his presence. And on the fourth morning, he roped himself a couple of sea turtles - wait for it, Will, wait for it - then he lashed 'em together and made a raft.

Will: He roped a couple of sea turtles?

Mr. Badger: Aye, sea turtles.

Will: What did he use for rope?

Jack walks over.

Jack: Human hair…from my back. to the crew Let go of the anchor!

Crewman: Let go of the anchor, sir!

Jack: No, you let go of the anchor.

Crewman: No, you let go of the anchor, sir!

Jack: Are you copying me?

Crewman: Are you copying me, sir?

Jack: Oh, forget it. Young Mr. Turner and I are to go ashore.

Mr. Badger: Captain! What if the worst should happen?

Will stealthily drops 3 or 4 eaves.

Jack: Keep to the code.

Gibbs: Aye, the code.

In the pirates' cave, on the Isla de Muerta. . .

Pintel: Ten years of hoarding swag.

Ragetti: And now we finally get to spend it.

Pintel: Once we're quit of the curse, we'll be rich men.

Ragetti: Well, technically, we're rich men now. We're just currently caught in some rather uncomfortable circumstances that prevent us from taking advantage of our wealthy state. . .

Pintel: Ragetti?

Ragetti: Yeah?

Pintel: Shut up. Anyways, once we're rich men you can buy an eye what actually fits and is made of glass.

Ragetti: This one does splinter something terrible.

Ouch.

Pintel: Stop rubbin' it.

Jack and Will are in a boat, entering the pirates' cave. . .

Will: What code is Gibbs to keep to if the worst should happen?

Jack: What did I tell you about eavesdropping?

Will: To not to.

Jack: Right. Well, since you asked, said code is the Pirate's Code. Any man that falls behind. . .is left behind.

Will: No heroes amongst thieves, eh?

Jack gives him a very, very slow clap.

Jack: You know, for having such a bleak outlook on pirates you're well on your way to becoming one. Sprung a man from jail, commandeered a ship of the Fleet, stole our ship's entire store of apple cobbler, sailed with a buccaneer crew out of Tortuga. . .

Will: Don't rub it in.

Jack:. . .and you're completely obsessed with treasure.

Will: That's not true. I am not obsessed with treasure. Take it back, or I'll. . .I'll. . .

Jack?

Will: . . I'll. . .I'll. . .

Jack: (sigh)

Jack peeks over a rock at Barbossa's crew gathering in the cave. Elizabeth is in the midst of them.

Will: . . I'll. . .

Jack: Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.

JE shippers in the audience: Dude! He totally just called Lizzy a treasure! Woot!

WE shippers in the audience: Yeah, a treasure to _Will_, morons!

* * *

I hope you liked it! Sorry for the anticlimactic ending, though. I'll do better next time. I worked extra hard on it, because it will probably be awhile before I can update again, what with the school year starting and all (I'm homeschooled over the internet. It's pretty cool.). See you at Chapter 10! Double digits! Woot!  



	10. Preciousssss

**Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, or any other book/tv/movie franchise that I love and wish to own. This fact may change in the future, but I doubt it. **

Many, many thanks to all the lovely reviewers who made my day! A milestone has been reached. Two, in fact: Chapter 10 and over 100 reviews!

This chapter, my General Address would have been quite bulky, so I decided to respond to the reviews individually, through the reply feature. I think I answered everyone's questions. If I missed one, I apologize.

Speaking of apologies, sorry for the lack of updates. I've been busy starting a new school year, eating, sleeping, and yes, I admit, rocking out playing Guitar Hero on my PS2. But before you go all Kraken-ish on me, may I remind you that the next chapter is only a scroll away?

Happy reading!

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Captain Barbossa and his crew, along with dear Elizabeth, are gathered around the infamous Aztec chest in a cave on the Isla de Muerta.

Barbossa: Gentlemen, the time has come! Our salvation is nigh! Our torment is near at end. Since you've waited many torturous years for our curse to be lifted, I figure you won't mind waiting a tad longer whilst I recite my exceedingly long and unnecessary speech. Ahem. . .For ten years we've been tested _and_ tried, and each man jack of you here has proved his mettle a hundred times over! And a hundred times again!. . .except for Jacoby, who has only proven himself 176 times. You remember. He had pneumonia for a few weeks last winter. . .Punished, we were. The lot of us - disproportionate to our crimes!. . .except for Twigg. He's pretty nasty. . .Here it is!

He throws off the chest's lid.

Barbossa:. . .The cursed treasure of Cortés himself. Every last piece that went astray we have returned. . .save for this.

He motions to the medallion that is now hanging on Elizabeth's neck.

Meanwhile, Will urges Jack to get a move on.

Will: Jack!

Jack: Not yet. We wait for the opportune moment.

Barbossa: 881 we found but despaired of ever finding the last! The 1st we retrieved from that miserly barmaid from Tortuga. . .

Will to Jack: When's that? When it's of greatest profit to you?

Jack: May I ask you something?

Will: No.

Jack: OK, then.

Will:. . .What?

Jack: Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?

Will: . . .

Jack: Do us a favor – I know it's difficult for you, but please - stay here and try not to do anything. . .stupid.

Will: I'm not stupid.

Jack: I didn't say you were. I asked you not to _do _any_thing_ stupid.

Will: But that implies that I am stupid enough to do something stupid, which I'm not.

Jack: You want to know what makes me think you're stupid?

Will: Yeah, what?

Jack: We're having this conversation.

Will: (pouts)

Barbossa: . . .The 27th we found at the bottom of an old well. That should teach Koehler to make well-wishes. . .

Jack to Will: He does drone on, doesn't he?

Will is too busy pouting to reply.

23 minutes later. . .

Barbossa: . . .The 364th piece we found in that bowl of rancid tapioca pudding. . .

56 minutes later. . .

Barbossa: . . .And I think we all remember number 865. I don't even want to _think_ about how it got _there_. . .

15 minutes later. . .

Barbossa: And here we have piece number 882! Myyyy. . .precioussssss.

Will: Where have I heard that before?. . .

He grabs an oar and sneaks up behind Jack.

Will: That's funny, I have the strangest feeling that in the future, our roles will be reversed.

Audience members who have seen DMC: Darn right!

Will: Ah, well. . .

He clonks Jack over the head with it. Jack slumps to the floor, unconscious.

Will "Mr. Talks-To-People-Who-Can't-Hear-Him" Turner: Sorry Jack. I'm not going to be your leverage.

Prince Charming hastens to rescue the damsel in distress.

Barbossa cuts Elizabeth's palm.

Elizabeth: That's it?

Barbossa: I could continue, if ye like.

Elizabeth, Uh, no. That's fine.

Barbossa and the other pirates wait expectantly. Nothing happens. Big surprise.

Koehler: Did it work?

Ragetti: I don't feel no different.

Pintel: You do feel different?

Ragetti: I just said, I don't feel no different.

Pintel: That's a double negative. And _that_ means you _do _feel different.

Ragetti: No, I don't.

Pintel: Well, why didn't you just say so?

Ragetti: I did.

Pintel: Forget it. to no one in particular How do we tell?

Nerdy Audience Members (the author included): Hey, didn't Barbossa say that while they're cursed, they can't feel anything? Doesn't that mean that if the curse is lifted, they can feel again? And doesn't_ that_ mean that they'll feel the ground under their feet as soon as the curse is lifted? Can't they-

Other Audience Members: (glaring) Shhh!

Barbossa devises a test to see whether the curse is lifted. He shoots Pintel.

Koehler: You're not dead.

Pintel: No. . .he shot me!

Ragetti: It didn't work.

Twigg: The curse is still upon us!

Barbossa, thinking quickly, turns to Elizabeth.

Barbossa: You, maid! Your father, what was his name? Was your father William Turner?

Elizabeth: No. Isn't that kind of obvious? Because if he was, wouldn't-

Barbossa: Where's his child? The child that sailed from England eight years ago, the child in whose veins flows the blood of William Turner. Where?

Elizabeth's face is the definition of spiteful.

Barbossa backhands her and she falls down the pile of treasure they've been standing on.

Bo'sun to Pintel and Ragetti: You two! You brought us the wrong person!

Pintel: No! I mean, yes, but. . .she had the medallion. She's the proper age.

Ragetti: She said her name was Turner – you heard her! Hey, that rhymes. Tur-ner, heard-her, Tur-ner, heard-her, Tur-

Pintel: Shut up!

Ragetti: I think she lied to us.

Bravo, Ragetti. Bravo.

Will comes out of nowhere. OK, he comes out from underwater and covers Elizabeth's mouth to keep her from screaming.

Nitpicking Audience Members: You know, I think that if someone suddenly grabbed my face like that, I'd scream just because of that. It would definitely not keep me from screaming.

Orlando Bloom Fangirls: Yeah, but if it was _Orli_ who-

Audience Members Who Are Capable of Suspension of Disbelief and Are Not Orlando Bloom Fangirls: Shhh!

Will motions for Elizabeth to follow him. She does, but, thinking quickly, takes the medallion.

Twigg to Barbossa: You brought us here for nothing.

Barbossa: I won't take questioning and no second guesses, not from the likes of you, Master Twigg.

The pirates hurl accusations at Barbossa. Most of them miss him, but a few find their mark and leave nasty bruises. Finally, Barbossa turns to see that, not only Elizabeth, but the medallion as well, have disappeared.

Barbossa: The medallion! She's taken it! Get after her! You feckless pack of ingrates!

Barbossa has a way with insults.

There's another problem: the oars have gone missing. The pirates begin to search for them, and come across. . .none other than Captain Jack Sparrow.

Ragetti: You.

Pintel: You're supposed to be dead!

Jack: Am I not?

He finds that a pistol is aimed directly at him.

Jack: Oh. . .Palulay. . .Palu-li-la-la-lulu, Parlili. . .Parsnip, Pasley, Pas - Partner, Partner. . .

Ragetti: Parley?

Jack: Parley! That's the one! Parley! Parley!

Pintel: Parley? Damn to the depths whatever muttonhead thought up "Parley!"

Jack: That would be the French. Inventors of mayonnaise.

Pintel: I like mayonnaise.

Jack: Shame about the French: obsessed with raisins. Humiliated grapes, really. Think about it. And yes, I am referencing Benny and Joon.

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I hope you enjoyed! Reviews are appreciated!

Once again, I must add a note of acknowledgment to my sister, who helped greatly in parodizing these scenes. Ginny Baudelaire's her name, angsty fics are her game.


	11. BOOMBOOMBOOM!

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean. Or any other book/tv/movie franchise. This is getting old.**

Many thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! Hugs to all!

And to all my mysterious non-reviewing readers, thanks for reading! I know you're out there. The hit count proves it.

Once again, any and all questions were answered via the "reply" button. I apologize if I missed one.

Note: Mr. Badger will henceforth be called by his real name. I'm beginning to confuse myself and others a bit too much.

You may proceed to Chapter the 11th.

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Will "Mr. Noble" Turner escorts Elizabeth onto the Interceptor, leaving Jack behind.

Elizabeth: Not more pirates.

Mr. Gibbs: Welcome aboard, Miss Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Mr. Gibbs? You've turned pirate? Of all people, I would never expect-

Mr. Gibbs: Well, you see, I found myself in a sticky situation involving muskrats, when. . .it's a long story. Hey, boy, where be Jack?

Will: He fell behind. With a little help.

Mr. Gibbs: Keep to the code.

Anamaria: Weigh anchor! Hoist the sails! Make quickly, divvies.

Divvies? Hmm. . .

Back at the cave, on the Isla de Muerta. . .

Barbossa: How the blazes did you get off that island?

Jack: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.

Barbossa: Oh, really? I could have sworn you were. . .but never mind. Gents, you all remember Captain Jack Sparrow? Kill 'im.

Jack: The girl's blood didn't work, did it?

Barbossa: Hold your fire! You know whose blood we need?

Jack: If I didn't, do you think I'd be here? Of course I know whose blood ye need.

Back on the Interceptor, in the cabin, Elizabeth tries to bandage her palm. No, not that kind of palm. Her _palm_. As in "the palm of her hand." Yeah. That kind of palm.

Elizabeth: What sort of a man trades a man's life for a ship?

Will: Well, that depends on whether you mean "ship" as in "boat" or "ship" as in "the subject of countless debates on fansite forums." Here, let me.

He helps her bandage her hand.

Elizabeth: Thank you.

Will: You said you gave Barbossa my name as yours. Why?

Elizabeth: I don't know, but I think the Powers of Foreshadowing at something to do with it. Ouch!

Will: I'm sorry. Blacksmith's hands - I know they're rough.

Elizabeth: No. . .I mean yes, they are but. . .but don't stop.

WE Shippers: (smug)

Will: Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Yes, that's my name. Very good. Here, you can have your medallion back. It's yours.

Will: I though I'd lost it the day they rescued me. It was a gift from my father. He sent it to me. Why did you take it?

Elizabeth: Because I was afraid that you were a pirate. That would have been awful. And I have a weakness for shiny jewelry. . .

Will: It wasn't your blood they needed. It was my father's blood. . .my blood. . .the blood of a pirate.

Elizabeth: Captain Obv-I mean-

Will: Were you about to call me Captain Obvious? I hate that nickname! I always have.

Elizabeth: Will, I'm so sorry, please forgive me.

Will slams the medallion on the table. Elizabeth leaves. Will sulks.

In the cabin of the Black Pearl. . .

Barbossa: So you expect to leave me standing on some beach with nothing but a name and your word it's the one I need and watch you sail away in my ship?

Jack: No. I expect to leave you standing on some beach with absolutely no name at all, watching me sail away on my ship and then I'll shout the name back to you. Savvy?

Barbossa: No, I don't savvy. And you should really come up with a different trademark catchphrase. That one's getting old.

Fans: No, it's not!

Barbossa: Did you hear something?

Jack: Must be the wind.

Barbossa: Hmm. . .anyway, that still leaves us with the problem of me standing on some beach with naught but a name and your word it's the one I need.

Jack: Of the two of us, I am the only one who hasn't committed mutiny, therefore. . .my word is the one we'll be trusting. Although. . .I suppose I should be taunting- I mean thanking you because, in fact, if you hadn't betrayed me and left me to die, I would have an equal share in that curse, same as you.

He bites an apple.

Jack: Funny ol' world, innit?

He offers Barbossa an apple.

Bored Audience Members: Y'know, if I couldn't taste any food, I wouldn't crave apples. I'd crave something, I don't know, tastier. . .like french fries, apple cobbler, or-

Fans: Shhh!

The Bo'sun enters the cabin.

Bo'sun: Captain, we're coming up on the Interceptor.

Barbossa goes up on deck.

Jack follows him and blocks the view of his telescope.

Jack: Do I have enough luck left for you to fall for yet another one of my schemes?

Barbossa: 'Fraid not. Bo'sun, lock him in the brig.

The Bo'sun leads Jack belowdecks.

On the Interceptor, soon to be the Intercepted. . .

Mr. Gibbs: Hands aloft to loose t'gallants! With this wind at her stern, she'll carry every sail we've got.

Elizabeth "Clueless" Swann: What's happening?

Anamaria: The Black Pearl, she's gaining on us.

Elizabeth: This is the fastest ship in the Caribbean.

Anamaria: You can tell them that after they've caught us.

Elizabeth: Time for me to show off my knowledge of things you wouldn't expect me to know about. Again. We're shallow on the draft, right?

Anamaria: Aye.

Elizabeth: Well, then can't we lose them amongst those shoals?

Mr. Gibbs: We don't have to outrun them long, just long enough.

Anamaria: Lighten the ship, stem to stern! No, not that kind of lighten! Put those lanterns away!

Mr. Gibbs: Anything that we can afford to lose. . .see that it's lost.

In the brig of the Black Pearl. . .

Jack: Apparently there's a leak.

On deck, Barbossa shouts orders. Disney must include as much pirate ship lingo as possible to prove they did their research.

Barbossa: Haul on the main brace! Make ready the guns! And run out the sweeps!

Onboard the Interceptor (This chapter is setting a record for location-switching.). . .

Will stops a cannon from being thrown overboard.

Anamaria sees the oars on the Black Pearl.

Anamaria: It was a good plan. . .up 'till now.

Will "Prince Valiant" Turner: Gibbs! We have to make a stand. We must fight! Load the guns!

Anamaria: With what?

Will: Anything! Everything! Anything we have left.

Audience Members Who Have Seen DMC: Even the rum? (chuckle)

Mr. Gibbs: Load the guns! Take shot and langrage.

Langrage?

Mr. Gibbs: Nails and crushed glass! With a will! No! No, ye seadogs! Get Will out of that cannon! The Pearl is gong to luff up on our port quarter. She'll rake us without ever presenting a target.

Elizabeth "Ms. Smarty-Pants" Swann: Lower the anchor on the right side. On the starboard side!

Will: It certainly has the element of surprise.

Anamaria: You're daft, lady! You both are!

Mr. Gibbs: Daft like Jack!

This line now appears on the favorite T-shirts of numerous hardcore fans.

Mr. Gibbs: Lower the starboard anchor! Do it, ye dogs, or it's you we'll load into the cannons!

They lower the anchor.

Elizabeth "Who Put Her In Charge?" Swann: Let go.

Anamaria lets go of the wheel and the ship swings around.

After a bit more sailor jargon, the ships come up side by side.

BOOMBOOMBOOM!

Jack: Stop blowing holes in my ship!

But wait. . .a lucky shot has blasted the lock of Jack's cell door.

Mr. Gibbs: We could use a few more ideas, lass.

Elizabeth: Your turn.

Mr. Gibbs: We need us a devil's dowry.

Anamaria: We'll give them her.

She points her pistol at Elizabeth. This is mildly shocking.

Will: She's not what they're after.

Elizabeth: The medallion.

Ah-ha, where is said medallion?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where indeed? Somewhere in Chapter 12, which, I assure you, is on its way.


	12. Obligatory Shenanigans

**Disclaimer: Disney owns it all. And then some.**

Many thanks to all my loverly reviewers!

Profuse apologies to all for the shameful lack of updates. "All evidence to the contrary," I am not dead. And yes, the next chapter will be longer. Promise.

Without further ado. . .

The 12th installment.

* * *

Barbossa: Excessive angry shouting and ordering! Bring me the medallion!

Back on the Interceptor, Will has gone searching for the medallion belowdecks. CRASH! A mast just happens to fall directly across the only escape hatch. Figures.

A sequence of obligatory shenanigans follows, during which: Jack tries to track down the medallion, Elizabeth does not succeed in rescuing Will, numerous yelling of names occurs, Jack the monkey returns the medallion to Barbossa, Spazzy comes out of nowhere and starts throwing bombs at everyone, a trail of powder is ignited, and the Interceptor's crew is captured and bound.

Pintel: If any of you so much as think the word "parlay," I'll have your guts for garters.

Marty (thinking): Parlay, parlay, parlay, parlay. . .

Pintel: What was that!

Marty: . . .

The Interceptor blows up. It won't be intercepting anything anymore.

Elizabeth: Will!

She easily ducks free of her bindings and throws a hissy fit at Barbossa.

Elizabeth: You've got to stop it! Stop it!

Barbossa: Pfft. Shoo.

He pushes her into the midst of his crew, who proceed to grab at her, pull her hair, and whatnot.

Will suddenly appears on the rail of the Black Pearl.

Nitpickers in the Audience: No one could possibly swim that fast. It's physically impossible. And how was he not injured in the explosion? And-

Other People: Cease and desist!

Nitpickers: . . .

Will: Barbossa!

Elizabeth: Will.

Will: She goes free.

He threatens Barbossa with a pistol.

Barbossa: What's in yer head, boy?

Will: Evidently nothing, since I'm about to give myself away _and_ negotiate with a mutinous, murderous, traitorous pirate. She goes free!

Barbossa: You've only got one shot, and we can't die.

Hehe.

Jack (to Will): Don't do anything stupid.

Will "Prince Valiant" Turner (to Barbossa): You can't. I can.

Jack: . . .like that.

Barbossa: Who are you?

Jack "Desperate" Sparrow: Would you believe me if I told you he's no one?

Barbossa: No.

Jack: Alright, then.

Will: My name is Will Turner. My father was Bootstrap Bill Turner. His blood runs in my veins.

Ragetti: He's the spitting image of ol' Bootstrap Bill come back to haunt us.

Audience Members who have seen DMC: Yeah, I guess he could seem so to those who only have _one eye._

Will: On my word ,do as I say, or I'll pull this trigger and be lost to Davy Jones' Locker.

Same Audience Members: Soon enough, Will, soon enough. . .

Barbossa: Name your terms, Mr. Term, uh, Turner.

Will: Elizabeth goes free.

Barbossa: Yes, yes, we know that one, Mr. Redundant. Anything else?

Will (seeing Jack pointing at himself): And the crew – the crew are not to be harmed.

Nitpickers: Wait a sec. . . "Elizabeth goes free?" "The crew are not to be harmed?" Why doesn't he ask for the crew's release, for goodness' sake? And why doesn't he know better than to attempt negotiations with a mutinous, mur-

Non-Nitpicking Audience Members: Silence!

Hector "Conniving" Barbossa: Agreed.

An unspecified amount of time later. . .

Pintel: Go on, Poppet! Go! Walk the plank!

Will "Naive" Turner: Barbossa, you lying bastard! You swore she'd go free!

Barbossa: I did not. I simply used my notorious ability to twist others' words around. Though it does seem a shame to lose something so fine, don't it lads?

Pirates: Aye.

Barbossa: So I'll be having that dress back before you go.

Jack "Really Desperate" Sparrow (to one of the pirates holding him captive): I always liked you.

Elizabeth: It goes with your black heart.

Oh, _snap_.

Elizabeth rips off the dress and throws it at Barbossa. She now stands on the plank in nothing but her shift.

Barbossa: Ooh, it's still warm.

Nitpickers: He can't feel warmth, he can't feel warmth. . .

Others: _Hello_, he's _joking_.

Another Pirate: Off you go! Come on!

Bo'sun "No-Last-Name": Too long!

He stomps on the plank, causing Elizabeth to lose her balance and clumsily fall into the water. SPLASH!

The pirates drag Jack up to the plank.

Jack: I'd really rather hoped we were past all this.

Barbossa: Jack . . . Jack.

Jack: Are you speaking to the monkey or me?

Barbossa: You. Did ya not notice? That be the same little island that we made you governor of on our last little trip.

Indeed it is.

Jack: I did notice.

Barbossa: Off you go.

Jack: Last time, you left me a pistol with one shot.

Barbossa: By the powers, you're right. Where be Jack 's pistol? Bring it forward.

Said pistol is brought forward.

Jack: Seeing as there's two of us, a gentleman…would give us a pair of pistols.

Barbossa: Ye should have learned by now that I'm no gentleman. It'll be one pistol as before, and you can be the gentleman, and shoot the lady, and starve to death yourself.

Barbossa throws Jack's pistol into the sea. Jack dives-beautifully-to recover it.

And now we have Jack and Lizzie marooned...together.

* * *

Y'all know what comes next, don't ya? Yeah. That's right. 


	13. Delicious Deleteds

**Disclaimer: Disney's.**

Writer's block is a terrible thing. Feel free to pelt me with your leftover Christmas candy and freezer-burned turkey.

Installment the (Late) 13th...

* * *

—(Un)Deleted Scene I: Not All That Big— 

And now Jack and Elizabeth are marooned. . .together. . .on what fanfic-writers have dubbed Rumrunners' Island.

Jack: That's the second time I've had to watch that man sail away with my ship.

Elizabeth: Third time's the charm.

Jack: What?

Elizabeth: Nevermind.

Elizabeth sets off walking around the island. Jack settles in on the sand and sets to drying out and examining his pistol. Elizabeth soon makes the full circuit of the island.

Jack (referring to his single pistol shot): Really not all that big, is it?

Elizabeth: What, your shot or the island?

Jack: I was actually referring to your IQ.

Elizabeth: Say what?

Jack: Oh, nothing...

Elizabeth: If you're going to shoot me, please do so without delay.

Jack: Bee in your bonnet, luv?

Elizabeth: Hmph. I don't like you.

Jack: Oh, well then.

—End (Un)Deleted Scene—

Elizabeth: Will risked his life to save ours! We have to do something.

Jack: Ha!

Elizabeth: But. . .you've escaped from this island before! We can escape in the same way you did then!

Jack: Why?

Elizabeth: Why?! To save Will!

Jack (goes rum-hunting): It's too late for dear William, I'm afraid.

Elizabeth: But you're Captain Jack Sparrow. Blah blah seven agents blah blah East India Whatchamacallit blah blah Nassau Port blah blah. Are you the pirate I've read about or not?! How did you escape last time?

Jack:...Last time...a giant eagle swooped down and flew me to safety.

Elizabeth: ...

Jack: The Rumrunners are quite reasonable when it comes to bartering.

Elizabeth: Barter? What did you have to barter with?

Jack: Why, irresistible charm, of course.

Elizabeth: (glare)

Jack: Gold helps.

Elizabeth: So that's it then? That's the secret grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow? You spent three days lying on a beach, drinking rum?!

Jack: Welcome to the Caribbean , love.

—(Un)Deleted Scene II: No Truth At All—

Elizabeth: So is there any truth to the other stories?

Jack: Truth?

Elizabeth: Do I stutter?

Jack shows her his scars.

At least half the female audience instantly swoons away.

Jack: That's about the size of a gunshot. Do I stutter?

Elizabeth: ...

Jack: No. No truth at all.

ALL remaining conscious females in audience instantly swoon away.

Elizabeth: I feel somewhat akin to a fool.

Jack: Bit more than "somewhat."

Elizabeth: Excuse me?

Jack: Never you mind.

—End (Un)Deleted Scene II—

Elizabeth: Well we have to do something.

Jack: You're absolutely right. Here. Rum solves everything. We'll drink a toast. Here's to you, Will Turner.

Elizabeth: Drink up me hearties, yo ho.

Jack: What was that, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth: It's _Miss Swann_. ...It's just a song I used to sing when I was little, when I thought it would be exciting to meet a pirate.

Jack: Sarcasm?

Elizabeth: What do you think?

Jack:...Let's hear it.

Elizabeth: No.

Jack: C'mon, we've got the time. Let's have it.

Elizabeth: No. I'd have to be drunk.

Jack: Hmm.

Here follows an ellipse to indicate passage of time: ...

It is now night. Jack and Elizabeth are in varying degrees of drunkenness, carousing around a large fire.

Jack: I love this song! Really...bad...eggs...

He collapses on the sand, and pulls Elizabeth down with him.

Here follows the only truly shippy scene that J/E shippers enjoyed, from the release of the first movie, to the release of the second 3 years later:

Jack: I'm gonna teach it to the whole crew, and we'll sing it all the time.

Elizabeth Swann: And you'll be positively the most fearsome pirate in the Spanish Main.

Jack: Not just the Spanish Main , love. The entire ocean. The entire wo'ld. What the Black Pearl really is...is...is...(hic)...is..freedom.

Elizabeth "At-Least-A-Little-Drunk" Swann: Time to turn on flirt mode...It must have been really...(hic)...terrible for you to be trapped on this island.

Jack "Very-Much-Drunk" Sparrow: Oh, yes. But the company is infinitely better than last time, I think. The scenery has definitely improved.

Elizabeth "Not-_That_-Drunk" Swann: Mr. Sparrow …I'm not entirely sure that I've had enough rum to allow that kind of talk.

Jack: I know exactly what you mean, love.

Elizabeth: When in doubt, make a toast...to freedom!

Jack: To the Black Pearl.

He passes out. Totally intoxicated. Completely inebriated. Three sheets to the wind. You get the idea.

Here follows an ellipse to indicate the passage of the night that has inspired thousands of J/E-shipping fanfiction authors: ...

Jack wakes up. And smells smoke. The cause of the smoke: a certain governor's daughter has put the flammability of certain items on a certain island to good use.

Jack "Indignant" Sparrow: No! Not good! Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade! The rum!

Elizabeth: Yes, the rum is gone.

Here follows the most-quoted line from the PotC franchise (besides "savvy"):

Jack: But why is the rum gone?!

Elizabeth settles down on the sand, ignoring Jack (something that very few, if any, of the world's female population would be able to do).

Elizabeth: Just wait, Captain Sparrow. You give it one hour, maybe two, keep a weather eye out and then you will see purple...wait...no..._white_ sails on that horizon.

Jack very nearly shoots her. Certain people wish he had. (No, not the author. I enjoyed DMC too much to wish that.) He thinks better of it, and stalks off by himself.

Jack "Mocking" Sparrow: "Must've been terrible for you to be trapped here, Jack . Must've been terrible for you." Well it bloody is now!

But what's this? A ship (with white sails) anchored just off the island, with a longboat coming to shore.

Jack: There'll be no living with her after this.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed. Kudos to any/all who caught the "Breakfast Club" reference. ;) 


	14. Plot Twists Are Fun

**Disclaimer: Let it be known that if I owned PotC, the teaser trailer for AWE would be out by now. Sheesh. **

Chapter the 14th...

* * *

Jack and Elizabeth are brought aboard the Dauntless.

Elizabeth "Oh-So-Noble-(For Now)" Swann: But we've got to save Will!

Governor Swann: No.

Elizabeth: Then we condemn him to death.

Governor Swann: Well...yes. But it makes me feel better to say the boy chose his own fate when he turned to piracy.

Elizabeth: To rescue me!

Jack: Let's try a different tactic...(to Norrington) How can you pass up the last real pirate threat in the Caribbean, mate?

Norrington: By remembering that I serve others, Mr. Sparrow, not only myself.

Norrington Fangirls in Audience: (sigh)

Large Majority of Fangirls in Audience Who Have Seen DMC: I like Scruffington better...

Elizabeth: Commodore, I beg you, please do this. For me. As a wedding gift. Ulterior motives? Me? Nonsense.

Governor Weatherby "Naive" Swann: Elizabeth. Are you accepting the Commodore's proposal?

Elizabeth "I-May-As-Well-Be-Crossing-My-Fingers-Behind-My-Back" Swann: I am.

Jack: A wedding! I love weddings…drinks all around!...I know. Clap 'im in irons, right?

James Norrington: Mr. Sparrow, you will accompany these fine men to the helm and provide us with the bearings to Isla de Muerta . You will then spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase "box-office smash." Do I make myself clear?

Jack: Crystalll...

Meanwhile, on the Pearl...

Pintel and Ragetti are swabbing the floor of the brig. The prisoners watch.

Parrot: Awwk, shiver me timbers.

Gibbs: Cotton 'ere says you missed a bit.

Will (to Pintel): You knew William Turner?

Pintel: Sure I know you. Wha' kind of question is that?

Will: No, not me, you idiot. William Turner.

Pintel: Yeah. You.

Will: No.

Pintel: Well then what the bloody h-e-double-hockey-sticks are you talking about?

Will: Bootstrap.

Pintel: Oh. Ol' Bootstrap Bill. We knew him. Blah blah against the mutiny blah blah sent cursed gold off to you.

Ragetti: Stupid blighter.

Pintel: You talkin' to me?!

Ragetti: No. Bootstrap.

Pintel: Oh. Well, as you can imagine that didn't sit too well with the Captain.

Ragetti: That didn't sit too well with the Captain, at all. Tell him what Barbossa did.

Pintel (death glare): I'm telling the story! So…what the Captain did, he strapped a really big plot point...I mean a cannon-to Bootstraps' bootstraps.

Ragetti: Bootstraps' bootstraps.

How does one come by the nickname of Bootstrap, anyway?

Pintel: The last we saw of ol' Bill Turner , he was sinking to the crushing black oblivion of Davy Jones' Locker. 'Course it was only after that we learned we needed his blood to lift the curse.

Ragetti: That's what you call good storytelling...I-I mean ironic...yeah, ironic.

Nerdy Audience Members Who Haven't Seen DMC, But Have Already Figured This Out: So Boostrap is still alive. At the bottom of the ocean. Bummer, man. Doesn't that mean that when the curse is lifted, Bootstrap dies?

Audience Members Who Haven't Seen DMC, And Never Think Quite So Much Into Movies: Huh?

Barbossa (to Ragetti, refering to Will): Bring him!

Jack, Norrington, and a bunch of soldiers are in a longboat, headed to the shore of Isla de Muerta.

Norrington: As an outstanding military strategist, I declare this a disadvantaged situation for our personages.

Soldiers: ...

Norrington: One word: ambush.

Jack: Not if you follow my plan. What do you have to lose?

Norrington: Why, the vision of perfection that is my wig, of course.

Jack "Conniving" Sparrow: Now, to be quite honest with you, there's still a slight risk for those aboard the Dauntless which includes the future Mrs. Commodore.

Aboard the Dauntless, Gillette pulls Elizabeth toward the cabin.

Andrew "Not-Really-Sorry" Gillette: Sorry, but for your own safety.

Elizabeth: Coward! The commodore ordered – I have to tell him! The pirates! They're cursed! They cannot be killed!

Gillette: Sure, and I'm about to be mauled by a vicious sea creature. Don't worry, miss, he's already informed of that. A little mermaid flopped up on deck and told him the whole story.

I hereby award Gillette the Most-Annoying-Eyebrow-Flash-In-Cinematic-History medal.

Gillette shuts the cabin doors and leaves.

Now, it is common belief that Gillette died in the hurricane that occurred sometime between CotBP and DMC. This is codswallop. The truth: At this moment, when no one was looking, a not-so-little mermaid vaulted up on deck, with, of all things, a Gillette razor in hand, and no one heard from Andrew Gillette ever again, or even noticed his absence, for that matter. But I digress.

Elizabeth (throwing a temper-tantrum in the cabin): This is Jack Sparrow's doing!

Barbossa and crew are taking Will into the cave.

Pintel (to Will): No reason to fret. It's not like you're really going to die the victim of a gruesome murder. After all, this is Disney.

Twigg: Not so fast. Let's not be forgettin' that this is Disney's first film to earn a PG-13 rating.

Pintel: Guess there is reason to fret.

Nevertheless, Will steadfastly refuses to fret. He is taken into the cave...

Jack pushes his way through the crowd of pirates.

Will: Jack!

Barbossa: S'not possible.

Jack: Not probable.

Will: Where's Elizabeth?

Jack: She's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised. And you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we're all men of our word really...except for Elizabeth who is, in fact, a woman.

Audience Members Who Have Seen DMC: Foreshadowing...

Audience Members Who Have Not Seen DMC (by now this group must be pretty darn small): Say wha...?

Barbossa: Shut up! You're next.

Jack: You don't want to be doing that, mate.

Barbossa: No, I really think I do.

Jack: (singsong) I know something you don't know...

Barbs really, really hates this.

Barbossa: Why don't I want to be doing it?

Jack: Well, because I said so. Also, the HMS Dauntless, pride of the Royal Navy, is floating just offshore. Waiting for you. Fancy that.

Back in said Royal Navy's longboats...

Murtogg: What are we doing here?

Mullroy: Comic relief ?

Murtogg: I know why we're here. I mean why aren't we doing what it was – what Mr. Sparrow said we should do. With the cannons and all?

Norrington: Because plot twists are fun.

M&M: ...

Murtogg: You think he wasn't telling the truth?

Audience Members Who Have Seen DMC: He does that quite a lot (snigger).

Back in the big, dank, most-likely smelly cave...

Jack: Just hear me out, mate. I have a really sweet gig planned out that includes the word "Commodore" preceding your name. Savvy?

Barbossa: I s'pose in exchange, you want me not to kill the whelp.

As of this moment, poor William Turner, Jr. has been condemned to the nickname of "whelp" amongst all Pirates fans who enjoy making fun of him (which is roughly 97.65 percent of the fandom, not including the J/E shippers).

Jack: No, no, not at all. By all means, kill the whelp. Just...not yet. Wait...to lift the curse...until the opportune moment. Kindly ignore the fact that I'm actually speaking to the whelp here. You hear that, Will? Opportune moment.

Will (catching on to Jack's plan, unlike a lot of movie-watchers who didn't really pay attention to this exchange until maybe the 5th time their PotC-obsessed friends made them watch it): You've been planning this from the beginning. Ever since you learned my name.

Jack: Yeah.

Barbossa: I want fifty percent of your plunder.

Jack: Fifteen.

Barbossa: Forty-two.

Jack: Twenty-three point eleven six four eight one.

Barbossa: Forty.

Jack: Twenty-five. And I'll buy you the hat. A really big one…Commodore.

What pirate can resist the prospect of a really big hat?

Barbossa: We have an accord.

Jack: All hands to the boats! (to Barbossa) Apologies. You give the orders.

Barbossa: Gents…take a walk.

Jack "Didn't-Expect-This" Sparrow: Not...to the boats?

* * *

Hope you like. Please review. All Flames will fuel the fires of Gillette's cremation. Thank you. 


	15. Pointlessly Gratuitous Swordplay

**Disclaimer: I own PotC. The previous sentence is false. **

Le Chapter 15...

* * *

Undead Pirates Marching Underwater + To-Die-For Music Great Moviemaking.

The dynamic duo of Pintel and Ragetti are all dressed up for the prom-I mean for the diversion.

Norrington: Hmm...two finely-dressed women enjoying a late night boatride off the shore of an isolated, uninhabited island that is a known pirate hideout. Nothing fishy about that. Hold fire!

Pirates are boarding the Dauntless...

Governor Swann: Elizabeth? I just want you to know I, uh, am not very skilled at giving heart-to-heart advice. Elizabeth? Are you there? Elizabeth, are you even listening to me?...You're not reorganizing the cabin, are you? You know I can't abide velveteen. Oh, what have you done?

She's used the old bedsheets trick and escaped, that's what.

Pintel and Ragetti blow their cover. Let's hope they don't get blown up (Yeah, right.).

In the Caaaaaaave!:

Barbossa: I must admit, Jack, I thought I had ye figured. But it turns out that you're a hard man to predict.

Jack: Me? I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly…cool.

He steals (excuse me, _commandeers_) a pirate's sword and tosses it to Will.

FIGHTFIGHTFIGHTSLASHPARRYHACKFIGHTFIGHT

Barbossa: You're off the edge of the map, mate. Here there be monsters.

Desperate Fans Who Have Watched Both Movies 20+ Times and Are Searching For Clues:

Foreshadowing? Maybe? Anyone?

On the Black Pearl:

Elizabeth boards, passing a couple pirates arguing over food (Nice that they always seem to have fresh food handy, despite the fact they can't eat.). She frees Gibbs and Co.

Elsewhere:

Norrington (hearing ship's bell): Make for the ship! Move!

The Governor wars valiantly with an undead pirate for - what else?- his wig.

In The Cave:

Barbossa: You can't beat me, Jack. I'll only be resurrected in the next movie.

Jack impales Barbossa with his sword. Barbossa impales Jack with the same sword.

First-Time Viewers: Wha...?????? But...but...

Veteran Viewers: You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Jack steps into a moonbeam and is revealed to be...undead.

First-Time Viewers: What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is going on???!!!

Veteran Viewers remain silent, wearing smug expressions.

Jack: That's interesting.

He plays with the medallion.

Jack: Couldn't resist, mate.

FIGHTSLASHSTABPOINTLESSLYGRATUITOUSSWORDPLAYPARRYSLASHSHOVE

Barbossa: This is pointless.

Jack: Yeah, but we need to fill our swashbuckling quota.

Barbossa: Arr.

On the Pearl...

Elizabeth: All of you with me. Will is in that cave and we must save him. Ready? And heave!

(Cricket)

Elizabeth: Please, I need your help! Come on!

Parrot: Any port in a storm.

Gibbs: Cotton 's right, we've got the Pearl.

Parrot (thinking): Idiots. This rabble is below me. I crave more intelligent company.

Elizabeth: And what about Jack? You're just going to leave him?

"This-Is-Pretty-Much-My-Only-Line" Marty: Jack owes us a ship.

Gibbs: And there's the code to consider.

Elizabeth: Do any of you understand the irony behind the fact that _pirates_ have a _code_?!

In Another Place, At The Same Time:

P&R notice the Pearl taking its leave.

Ragetti: Hey.

Pintel: What?

Ragetti: Is it supposed to be doing that?

Pintel: They're stealing our ship!

Ragetti: Bloody pirates!

Pintel: Do you even know how stupid that sounds?

Ragetti: Yeah, it's just fun to say. Bloody pirates, bloody pirates, bloody pirates...

In the Cave...

Jacoby: I'm gonna teach you the meaning of pain.

Elizabeth: Do you like pain?

She knocks him out.

And here follows the only line that literally causes the author to cringe _every_ time she hears it, or writes it, or thinks of it, or...you get the idea.

Elizabeth: Try wearing a corset.

She helps Will up.

Elizabeth: Whose side is Jack on?

Will: At the moment?

Random Audience Member: That's pretty much Will's best line.

Random Audience Member #2: Hey, now. Let's not be hasty...

General Audience (speaking in British accents, though they're not British in the least): Oh, shut it.

Elizabeth and Will execute a move that is frankly impossible, with the result that 3 undead pirates are blown up.

Jack cuts his hand, smears blood on the medallion, and tosses it to Will.

Squeamish Audience Members: Oohhh...

Barbossa points his pistol at Elizabeth. Jack shoots him. Barbossa notices.

Barbossa: Ten years you carry that pistol, and now you waste your shot.

Will: He didn't waste it.

Random Audience Member #2: Now _that's _his best line.

Random Audience Member #1: Nope.

Random Audience Member #2: Whadayou mean "nope?"

Random Audience Member #1: Because he did waste his shot. Barbossa comes back in the next movie.

Random Audience Member #2: But he just saved Elizabeth's life.

Random Audience Member #1: You say that like it's a good thing.

Random Audience Member #2: It is!

Random Audience Member #1: But she _kills_ Jack in the next one.

Random Audience Member #2: ...

Random Audience Member #1: What?

Random Audience Member #2: ...

Random Audience Member #1: _What?_

Random Audience Member #2: ...

Random Audience Member #1: Uh...

Random Audience Member #2: (stomps off)

Random Audience Member #1: What's up with her?

Random Audience Member #42: She hasn't seen the next one.

Random Audience Member #1: ...oh.

Will drops both medallions into the chest. Barbossa discovers that he is bleeding.

Barbossa: I feel…cold.

He drops dead. For now.

The curse now being lifted, all formerly undead pirates fighting on the Dauntless are now, most decidedly, alive. And therefore intensely vulnerable.

Norrington: The ship is ours, gentlemen.

Sailors and Soldiers: Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Back at the Ranch...

Elizabeth: We should return to the Dauntless.

Will "Unbelievably-Thick" Turner: Your fiancé will be wanting to know you're safe.

Elizabeth leaves, hurt.

Jack: If you were waiting for the opportune moment…that was it. Now, if you'll be so kind, I'd be much obliged if you'd drop me off at my ship.

The trio are rowing back to the Dauntless. The Pearl is gone.

Elizabeth: I'm sorry, Jack.

Audience Members Who Have Seen DMC: (snigger)

Jack: They done what's right by them. Can't expect more than that. Unless there's a sequel. Or two.

* * *

Likey? 


	16. Cinematic History: Made

**Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean. The previous sentence is true.** **The previous sentence is very very true.**

Alright, who else has watched the trailer over 20 times already? A show of hands? **  
**

Here we go...Installment the Finalé!

* * *

The gallows, Port Royal style... 

Official Dude: Jack Sparrow, be it known that you have…

Jack: Captain, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow .

Official: …for your willful commission of crimes against the crown. Said crimes being numerous in quantity and fictitious in nature, the most entertaining of these to be cited herewith – piracy, smuggling…

Elizabeth: This is wrong.

You don't _say_!

Governor Swann: Commodore Norrington is bound by the screenpl-...I mean law. As are we all.

Official: …impersonating an officer of the Spanish-no, British-no, um...some such Royal Navy, impersonating a cleric of the Church of England…

Jack: Oh, yeah.

Official: …sailing under false colors, sailing under distasteful-albeit real-colors, sailing under nonexistent colors, sailing under imagined colors, arson, kidnapping, commandeering pop culture, looting, poaching, excessive merchandising, brigandage, cobbling apples, pilfering, inspiring a fangirl following the like of which has not been witnessed since Legolas, depravity, depredation, degradation, destination, determination, deliberation, occlumency, legilimency, and general irresistibility. And for these crimes you have been sentenced to be, on this day, hung by the neck until-mostly-dead. May the writers have mercy on your soul.

Will: Governor Swann.

Governor Swann: (mumblemumble)

Will: Commodore.

Norrington: (gruntgrunt)

Will: Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: (squeesquee)

Will: I should have told you every day from the moment I met you. I - well, not _every_ moment, that would be quite aggravating, not to mention annoying and irritating, and I would never desire to cause you such grief-

Elizabeth: Spit it out, Will.

Will: I... l-...l-...l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-love you.

Elizabeth: (gasp)

Governor Swann: (gasp)

Random Guy 24.76 Leagues Away: (gasp)

Willabeth Audience: (sigh)

Sparrabeth Audience: (making funny faces to each other behind the Willabethers' backs)

Sane Audience: Shhhhh!

Elizabeth notices Cotton's parrot, perched on a flagstaff.

Elizabeth "Damsel-In-Distress" Swann: That's my cue..."I can't breathe."

Will: Move!

Sword: (swishswish-THUD)

Cue splendiferous stuntwork, a.k.a. the closest thing to an alliance Jack and Will are ever likely to have.

Norrington: I am miffed.

Governor Swann: I am justifiably indignant. You're throwing in your lot with him?! He's a pirate!

Will: And a good man. By the way, what part of "habeas corpus" don't you understand? Hmm? If all I have achieved here is that the hangman will earn two pairs of boots instead of one, so be it. He could really use them anyway. His toes are exposed to the elements. At least my conscience will be clear.

Norrington: You forget your place, Turner.

Will: It's right here…between you and Jack .

Norrington: Literally or figuratively?

Will: Uh...both?

Elizabeth moves to stand next to Will.

Elizabeth: As is mine.

Governor Swann: Elizabeth! (To soldiers) Lower your weapons. For goodness' sake put them down!

Norrington: So this is where your heart truly lies, then?

Elizabeth: For now.

Jack: Well! I'm actually feeling rather good about this. (to Governor Swann) I think we've all arrived at a very special place, eh? Spiritually…Ecumenically…Grammatically...

Cinematically. (to Norrington) I want you to know that I was rooting for you, mate. Know that. Elizabeth …it would never have worked between us, darling. I'm sorry...

Sparrabethers-Who-Have-Seen-the-AWE-Trailer: Squeeeee!

Jack: ...Will…nice hat. Friends! This is the day that you will always remember as the day that –

...Jack falls off the battlement. And lands safely on a cushion stuffed with suspension of disbelief and embroidered with a character shield.

Gillette's Ghost: Idiot. He has nowhere to go but back to the noose.

Random Townsmen: Did you hear something, dear? A rat, maybe?

Random Townswoman: Why no, dear. Are you feeling all right?

Sentry: Sail ho!

Governor Swann: Perhaps on the rare occasion pursuing the right course demands an act of piracy, piracy itself can be the right course?

FBI: Except when it comes to DVDs..

Norrington: Mr. Turner.

Will: (to Elizabeth) I will accept the consequences of my actions.

Norrington: (unsheathes his sword) This is a beautiful sword...

Super-Knowledgeable Fans in Audience: ...with a destiny. Hehe...

Norrington: I would expect the man who made it to show the same care and devotion in every aspect of his life. Didja catch that, pretty boy? I'm talkin' 'bout _you_.

Will: Thank you.

Gillette's Ghost: Commodore! What about Sparrow?

Norrington: Did you hear something? No? That's odd...Anyway, I think we can afford to give him one day's head start...

Immense, Strange Echo-ey Voice That Sounds Suspiciously Like Beckett: Muahahaha! You'll all be hanged for this...

Governor Swann: So, this is the path you've chosen, is it? After all…he is a blacksmith.

Elizabeth: No...

Some Few Audience Members: Don't say he's a pirate...don't say he's a pirate...

Elizabeth: ...He's a pirate.

Same Audience Members: (smack foreheads)

Will & Elizabeth: Smoochy-smooch.

Jack is hauled aboard the Pearl, via yet another very cool rope trick.

Jack: I thought you were supposed to keep to the Code.

KTTC-ers (You Know Who You Are): Yes!

Gibbs: We figured they were more actual…guidelines.

Anamaria: Captain Sparrow…the Black Pearl is yours.

Jack: (walks over to the helm and looks around fondly) On deck, you scabrous dogs! Man the braces! Let down and haul to run free. Now...bring me that horizon. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh...and really bad eggs…drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.

Compass: (snap)

Movie: (end)

Audience: (spellbound)

Cinematic History: (made)

* * *

You know what to do. 


End file.
